So Much Taken Care of- Yet So Much to Do

In spite of the periodic bouts of the urban angst, I have no concrete reasons to be unhappy. Happily settled into a job that pays decent and hardly makes you sweat; Loving parents willing to shower affection at the drop of a hat yet never to interfere in my personal life. A girlfriend who has never been demanding and always been kind. And the best of friends.

Life becomes a tad unliveable if one does not have a real sense of what one wishes to do with it.

Some are gifted with the purpose of excellence. They strive to excel everywhere. Some are not so gifted yet pick their dreams to find out the one thing that they would love to do all their lives. Fortunates commit to that one thing and make something out of it. The rest drift and crib.

In my early youth I knew only too well that I am not gifted to strive and thrive. Unaware of a lot of things, I made the assumption that I have the aptitude of one thing and will manage to eke out a living- and may even get noticed.

The University dispelled such illusions. The truth was hard to digest- but made easier by an alternative - the job market.

I had briefly flirted with the idea that I may do well here. More importantly, find a purpose. But just as a simpleton knows that the town dame is well beyond his reach, I thankfully did not the same mistake again.

The thought of identifying yourself with one set of values, one pursuit (the employer's excellence) is all very alien. I have never given much to values. I have some, oh yes, but some of them proved flexible enough in case of need. The rest have not been tested yet.

A person who has seldom thought beyond himself can hardly align with a motley group which form the corporation. A contempt born out of a curious mix of inferiority complex and illusions of being distinguished ensures that I make friends easily, yet none of them are close. Some have managed to breach the barrier. Lucky them.

I do understand that I am no messiah. I lack the motivation and hate the discomfort of being so. A messiah need not be defined by a Lead India winner (though that may be what I would have thought of in school) but one who can actually reflect beyond his own concerns. And make a genuine difference to another (not a friend, someone outside the social contract); without somehow helping himself, at present or future.

Indulgence has been a purpose. It isn't everything- but has definitely given me enough to last till now. It cannot take care of a lot, including why I continue to write such posts. But sure as hell gives me a drive.

A friend of mine will quip "Typical bourgeoisie", with not even an iota of seriousness. Yet unfortunately he is right. It is the desire to indulge myself in ways I haven't discovered yet that keeps me going.