Mistakes and Life

This post actually came out of three impulses: a chat with my ex about mistakes in life (as portrayed in the novel "The Joke"); idle reminisces about some silly things I did in school. And that the post would be somehow congruent to the latest bestseller "Three Mistakes of My life" (I haven't read the book and neither do I intend to. It's just that I think I can guess what it is about and then contrast it with what I have to write).

Mistakes have always been quite intriguing to me. What is a mistake? If you commit a wrong (something that in itself is subjective) the wrong-doer would try to label it as a mistake and the affected will probably not be so generous. Ludvik, in "The Joke", commits several things that could be labeled differently. His letter to his romantic interest having references to Trotsky (which proved to be a turning point in his life): was it a mistake? surely it was an attempt to "show off" his intellect- in a free society, the only outcome it could have had is a "jerk" from the girl, shaking her head. Or at the maximum, a censure.

But it wasn't a free society. Ludvik, of his age, should have known better. Now there is a belief that one deserves what one gets. Did he deserve what he got? it is from this point subjectivity creeps in. I believe nothing is sacrosanct- and very few believe in this. You try and strip a greatly revered idea/person/faith of its glory and the most likely face you'll see is a shocked one. Worse, universal condemnation.

Was his treatment of the women (who came later) justified? Subjectivity creeps in- answers would vary from "see it from the context" and "no". It'd also include mine- what one goes through in such extreme circumstances is something very few can empathise with. So all actions commited during such periods are very difficult to judge upon. But we have to; otherwise there is no rule of law. We have "extenuating circumstances" to mitigate such judgements. But we cannot free the wrong-doer.

To be consistent, Rule of law cannot be taken as sacrosanct. I've always felt an inexplacable derision towards authority. But I admit its importance; and hence bow down to it.

Life has its own quirks. Randomness (I have been fooled by randomness!) makes sure people make mockery of rule of law- let's not get this wrong- I'm only talking about people who went scot free without exercising any form of influence. Ludvik was also not punished, or rather not in the sense we see punishment.

But he understood the "jokes" of his life. Is the realisation of a wrong, punishment enough? I am in murky waters now. Realisation is not suffering. Or is it?

Life is a narrative. Everyone makes mistakes: some of these are "wrongs". Some are punished for what they have done. Some realise and repent, some don't do either.

Today, the mysterious mind drifted to my schooldays. I remembered a computer class where I (armed with a basic knowledge of MS DOS) was acting smart and had this "I know it all and so I don't need this" attitude. Seated in the back bench, me and a few others (same tribe of "experts") looked at the instructors with disdain and tried to create a ruckus now and then. Try and make a mockery of the proceedings.

The instructors didn't need all this. I'm sure they were getting paid- but noisy kids who know the alphabet and know nothing of prose are something they ought to not have bargained for. Eventually they got me (One female showed me something I didn't know- and how was I to realise that there were so much I didn't know and still don't know). But I saw the light and learnt to be humble.

I realised my mistake- but did it change me? Not really. Even today, I make the same "mistake". With some semblance of expertise under my belt, I sometimes bask in the glory of an "expert". Why? I have seen others do it? A fault built inside me?

Let's not be too difficult on myself. I am rather humble compared to many I have seen. I experience moments of hubris- and sometimes I show it to others strategically. It helps. But experiences (like the one I described) have made me wiser- I am aware of what I don't know, haven't done and haven't achieved.

Mistakes are like death and taxes. At least in my case, it has never ceased to go away. The chronicler knows some of these are "wrongs".

There are no three mistakes in my life. There are too many. I can only rank them according to how they have affected me- not others. That I'll never know- because sometimes they will not tell me or they may not know themselves and more importantly, sometimes I wouldn't like to know.